I am an American.

I believe I am solely responsible for my success in life. As a white, middle class male who grew up never wanting for anything, my life has been challenging. But I was still able to overcome those tremendous disadvantages and make it completely on my own.

I believe I am just as knowledgeable as the so-called “experts” and that doing my own personal research makes me just as smart as those who have devoted their lives to studying something.

You’re a neurosurgeon with a fancy medical degree? Big deal. I’ve watched a lot of brain surgery videos on YouTube and read a lot of posts on Reddit. Look me up if you have a tumor – I can save you a lot of money.

I believe democracy is overrated. The American people are obviously too stupid to know what’s best for them and their families and need a dictator to tell them what to do and how to do it – and to punish them severely when they step out of line.

I believe discrimination is a myth created by people who should just work harder. If you didn’t get the job you applied for, are treated like a second-class citizen, or are not allowed to live in your preferred neighborhood, you have only yourself to blame.

I believe in freedom of religion. And by “religion,” I clearly mean “Christian.” Those who don’t worship my God in my preferred way are wasting their time and will no doubt end up in hell.

Look, everyone should just follow the checklist Jesus gave us and condemn anyone who chooses to follow a different path.

I believe I have a God-given mandate to help my neighbors when they are in need – so long as it doesn’t impact my own wellbeing or require any real sacrifice. My comfort is inherently more important than their suffering.

I believe all our problems can be traced back to one group: immigrants. But not just any immigrants. The real culprits are the hard-working migrants and refugees who are trying to escape violence and corruption in their own third-world countries; you know, the ones who just want a better life for themselves and their families.

I believe this country is great when ruled by white people whose ancestors settled here primarily from Northern Europe. We represent the pinnacle of the social and cultural hierarchy. Remember, privilege is inherited not earned.

I believe I should have unlimited access to the best healthcare system in the world regardless of my lifestyle or personal choices – and that I shouldn’t have to pay for it. If St. Jude’s can do it, every hospital should be able to do it. I mean, how many yachts does my doctor really need?

I believe my kids should attend public schools that are second to none and that teachers should volunteer their services to make sure they stay that way. If they wanted a living wage, they shouldn’t have gone into teaching in the first place.

I believe Wall Street cares deeply about the problems on Main Street and is working 24/7 to create jobs and make the world a better place for everyone. Any characterization of billionaires as anything other than altruistic, benevolent overlords is just fake news.

I believe the rich should continue to do everything they can to acquire even more wealth, and the middle class should make it their mission to help them as much as possible. Why should poor people have access to the same things as rich people? Don’t they know it’s their job to subsidize the lifestyles of the rich and famous?

I believe the war on fossil fuels is really a war on capitalism, waged by communists and socialists who have been brainwashed into believing that renewable energy is best for the planet. The economy is more important than the environment.

Anyway, we need to have faith that our kids and grandkids and great grandkids, etc., will figure it out.

I believe I should be able to retire at 50 and draw twice as much as I earned while I was working. After all, we weren’t put here to spend our whole lives working. We need to end the curse of having to exchange effort for income.

I believe I should be able to get something for nothing, and expenditures can exceed revenues forever. All this nonsense about the exploding national debt being unsustainable is just meaningless propaganda perpetuated by those who still hold quaint, outdated notions about fiscal responsibility.

I am an American.

— Aaron W. Hughey is a university distinguished professor in the Department of Counselingand Student Affairs at Western Kentucky University.