A friend of mine is considering running for office and asked if I’d be interested in being her campaign manager.

I told her I’d be happy to — if she agreed to follow my advice.

Then I spelled out exactly what she’d need to do in order to win the election:

First, she’d need to get rid of the naïve notion that honesty is the best policy. Most voters don’t care about the truth; they just want someone to tell them what they want to hear. So what she believes will now be determined exclusively by the polls.

Second, she’d need to start screaming that the election is rigged even before she gets on the ballot. No evidence needed to back up the claim – just repeat it over and over and over; she’ll instantly resonate with many voters.

Third, she’d need to understand that most voters are mind-numbingly out of touch with reality and will believe virtually anything they read on the internet or social media. I noted she could use this to her advantage by planting misinformation about her opponent.

Fourth, and closely related, she’d need to embrace every ridiculous conspiracy theory that comes down the pike; i.e., climate change is a hoax and vaccines do more harm than good. Sheer nonsense, of course, but necessary if she wants to win.

Fifth, she’d need to focus intently on making the electorate angry instead of offering any ideas about how she might govern. When people are outraged, I explained, they make decisions with their emotions instead of thinking rationally – and that’s exactly what she wants.

Finally, she’d need to pledge her complete and undying loyalty to the party leader regardless of whatever idiotic thing he says or does.

I’ll let you know if I get the job. Watch this space.

Aaron Hughey

Bowling Green