Moviegoers are finally freed from "50 Shades" saga

We’ve finally made it, moviegoers: The end is at hand for the “Fifty Shades” saga, with the arrival of the final film in the trilogy, “Fifty Shades Freed.”

It’s a series that has been tough to endure. E.L. James’ wildly popular novels of sex and submission have translated to a rather tepid – and, at times, unintentionally hilarious – franchise.

The fact that “Fifty Shades Freed” is the finish line is about the only thing positive I can say about this film, which – after the slight improvement of last year’s “Fifty Shades Darker” – falls right back into the pit of unbearableness. 

“Freed” picks up with the marriage of Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) to the insanely rich Christian (Jamie Dornan). The happy couple head off on their honeymoon, but since Christian is a petulant child, his need to be in complete control begins to put a damper on the newlyweds.

Of course, in this alternate reality of weirdness, any strain in a relationship is easily resolved by some sort of sexual excursion, this time involving everything from handcuffs to Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (in possibly the worst product placement in recent memory).

This cycle of audience abuse drags on for about an hour before the filmmakers finally realize “Freed” lacks even an ounce of conflict. The solution is to bring back Anastasia’s crazed ex-boss Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson) from the previous film. Jack is intent on destroying the happy couple’s life. Look, I get that Jack is supposed to be the bad guy, but let’s be honest: Anyone willing to spare the audience from another minute of watching these two spoiled adults act like children is a hero in my book.

Therein lies the problem with not just “Fifty Shades Freed,” but with all three films in this series. For the most part, the two protagonists just aren’t very likable. I will say that Anastasia seems to be somewhat human from time to time, and Johnson has apparently realized this is all trash and has become more relaxed in this role as the series has progressed.

Still, Dornan remains a complete bore. He is a pile of muscles meant to make the female members of the audience swoon, although a few of his childish moments didn’t sit too well with the ladies sitting next to me. And three movies into the series, you would think Dornan and Johnson would have managed to develop some kind of chemistry. But in fact, you would see more sparks watching cardboard cutouts interact.

If this is supposed to be some glamorous female fantasy – for which I am clearly not the target audience – I feel like women deserve something much better than this pile of garbage, with its string of never-ending musical montages.

The whole thing was so painful to watch it left me wishing I had a safe word I could have uttered to stop the madness and leave behind these annoying characters forever.

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan

Directed by: James Foley

Rating: R for strong sexual content, nudity, and language.

Playing at: Regal Bowling Green Stadium 12, Regal Greenwood Mall Stadium 10, Highland Cinemas (Glasgow)

Grade: F